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Mount Ordeals
“Fourteen meters last week. Took three weeks to gain two.”
“And you’re pissed about it,” Kyle said.
“I’m realistic about it.”
“No, you’re pissed. Talk to me.”
Matt’s thumb dug into the wheel rim.
“I did everything they asked. Every session, every rep. And the needle barely moves. Either the work stops paying off or this is the ceiling, and either way I’m doing the math on what two meters a month gets me.”
“And if the math doesn’t change?”
“Then I deal with it.”
“That’s not an answer, Matt.”
“It’s mine.”
“Yeah. And it’s a shitty one.”
“What do you want me to say? That I’m fine with it? That I’m ready to just accept that this is my life now?”
“I want you to stop pretending that fighting it is the same as facing it.”
Matt bit his lips.
“You know what your actual problem is?”
“Enlighten me.”
“You think strength means control.”
His hands went still on the rims.
“You spent your whole life being in control. On the job, with your team, always the guy people looked to when things went to shit. But the accident took that away, and you’ve been trying to claw it back ever since.”
“What else am I supposed to do?”
“I’m not taking anything away from you, Matt. You fought hard. Most people don’t survive what you went through. But surviving isn’t the same as living.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Maybe. But what are you actually afraid of?”
He curled his right hand. The fingers wouldn’t close all the way.
“That this is it.”
Kyle nodded.
“You’re Cecil, you know?”
“What?”
“You’ve been playing this whole thing like it’s still the first act. Still wearing the armor, still swinging the dark sword, still trying to fight your way through.”
He gripped the rims harder.
“Cecil goes up that mountain thinking strength is what he lost. That if he fights hard enough, he gets it back. But when he reaches the top, the game doesn’t ask him to fight. It asks him to let go.”
His breathing went shallow.
“That’s what scares you, isn’t it. You don’t know who you are if you’re not Captain Hartfield. If you’re not the guy in charge. If you’re not the one people look to when everything’s burning.”
“Kyle—”
“But Captain Hartfield is gone, Matt.”
He couldn’t breathe.
“Cecil had to let go of being the Dark Knight before he could become something else. You’re still trying to be the person you were before the accident. Still telling yourself that if you fight hard enough, you’ll get back to him.”
Kyle’s voice softened.
“But he’s gone, Matt. You have to let him go.”
The mountain theme had been looping for a while now. On screen, Cecil’s party worked up the path.
Matt sat cross-legged on Uncle Brian’s living room carpet, controller in his hands. Danny lay on the couch behind him, almost five, chin on his fists, legs swinging against the cushions.
“Go left!”
“There is no left, buddy.”
“There could be a secret left!”
“There really can’t.”
The path narrowed. Danny provided commentary on every command selection, most of it wrong. Matt let him.
They cleared the last stretch. A figure blocked the way.
“BOSS!” Danny yelled. “BOSS FIGHT!”
Scarmiglione. The first form went down clean. Then it came back, attacking from behind.
“HE’S BEHIND YOU!”
“It’s fine, Danny—”
“TURN FASTER!”
The second form was tougher. Cecil dropped into double digits before Tellah finished it.
“That was CLOSE.”
“We’re okay, buddy.”
“We were NOT okay!”
Victory fanfare. Matt forged ahead.
A chamber. Mirrors on every surface, the sprites reflected across the tiles.
Danny went quiet.
A text box appeared. No visible speaker.
My son…
Matt advanced the dialogue. The voice told Cecil to take the sword. To cast aside the darkness.
The screen flashed. Cecil’s sprite changed. Dark armor gone. White cape, lighter palette. New weapon in hand.
“Wait,” Danny said. “What happened to his outfit?”
“He’s a Paladin now. Just watch.”
Then the Dark Knight appeared. Cecil’s old sprite, black armor, standing opposite in the mirrors.
Battle screen. Cecil on one side. His own reflection on the other.
New sword, obvious boss fight. Matt went for Attack.
Do not fight.
He frowned. Selected Defend instead.
The Dark Knight swung. Darkness. Cecil’s HP dropped. The same ability Matt had been using the entire game, turned against him.
“Hit him back!”
“Not this time.”
“But he’s supposed to! He’s the knight guy!”
“You’ll see.”
Another strike. Weaker. Again. Weaker still. Then he stopped.
The battle screen dissolved. The Dark Knight faded.
“…He stopped fighting?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s how he wins?”
“Yeah. That’s how he wins.”
Cecil’s new stats loaded. His sprite stood in the empty chamber.
“What’s a Paladin?”
“A knight, but different. Stronger. Not because he fights harder.”
“But he had a big sword before! And cool armor! And he was fighting all the monsters!”
“Yeah. And that was the problem. Cecil thought he had to be like that to be strong. That fighting was the only way.”
“But… now he’s shiny?”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “Now he’s shiny.”
“So… he was a bad knight before?”
“He wasn’t bad. He just… had to let go of who he was before.”
“Ugh. I don’t get it.”
“You’ll get it when you’re older, buddy.”
Small arms wrapped around his shoulders from behind. Danny’s chin dug into the top of his head.
“Do you still get to fight stuff?”
Matt pushed the d-pad. Cecil took his first steps as a Paladin.
“Yeah. But not the same way.”
Captain Hartfield is gone.
His hands were shaking. Both of them. His breath came short and wrong and he couldn’t get it back.
He was not going to cry in this office.
Something between a cough and a gasp broke out before he could stop it. His shoulders came forward. His left hand pressed hard against his eyes.
It got worse. His stomach cramped. Throat locked.
He’d never let it get this far before.
Wave after wave, it tore through his chest and kept going, until his breathing finally slowed.
His hand dropped from his face. Eyes raw. Shirt damp at the collar.
He wasn’t the man he used to be. He never would be again. But that didn’t mean he was weak. Cecil walked down that mountain as a Paladin. He was still Cecil.
“Same time next week?” Kyle said.
The sound that came out of him was wrecked, but it was almost a laugh.
“Yeah. Same time next week.”
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