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These People are Nuts
Josh was three-quarters through a plate of fries and showed no signs of slowing. Zara waited until he reached for the ketchup.
“What did he do this time?”
“So today he’s going through wound classifications—”
“Wait.” She put down her drink. “Let me get comfortable.”
“So today he’s going through wound classifications, and he gets to degloving injuries—you know what that is?”
“No.”
Josh held up both hands and demonstrated.
“You mean, like the whole thing?”
“Like peeling a banana. And he’s just sitting there doing this—” Josh did it again. “—while I’m trying not to pass out.”
“And that was just the warmup.”
“Then he moves on to impalement—a guy on rebar, Zara—and his advice is, ‘Make sure you don’t pull it out unless you’re ready for the blood geyser.’ Said it like he was telling me where he parked.”
“Please tell me there’s more.”
“He told me if you’re not cracking ribs during CPR, you’re probably doing it wrong. And then he adds, ‘To be fair, my ribs were already cracked when they got to me.’”
“That one’s actually kind of funny.”
“It’s not funny when you’re sitting across from him and he’s completely serious.”
“I’d laugh.”
“And Ben’s no better. He acts all normal, and then out of nowhere—mid-lunch, mid-chew—he goes, ‘Man, you ever seen a guy inhale his own teeth after getting clocked with a crowbar?’”
“Okay. They’re both messing with you.”
“Ben? Probably. Matt? No. He’s just like that.”
“You sound sure.”
“This is the same man who, five minutes after explaining crush syndrome, saw my face and went, ‘Oh, don’t worry, you’d pass out before it got too bad.’”
“And you still let him teach you.”
“I don’t have a choice.” He squeezed more ketchup onto the plate. “And the worst part is, Ben said I’d get used to it. Get used to it. Like blood geysers are a thing you just adjust to.”
He was talking about blood geysers while drowning his fries in red stuff. Zara decided not to point that out.
“I mean. You are adjusting.”
“That’s the worst part. It actually works. All the horrifying stuff he says—it sticks. I remember every detail.”
“So you’re learning.”
“Yeah.”
“From the maniac.”
“Yeah.”
“And it’s working.”
“I just said that.”
“Just making sure you heard yourself.”
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Youthful Days